Thursday, July 17, 2008

Not my best moments.

I was extremely emotional yesterday. The crying didn't end at work. It just went on and on and on. I was going to go to my parents' house for dinner last night, but I just couldn't stop crying at every little thing. So, instead I went home, ate some dinner, and went to 6pm. I didn't get up till 6am this morning. I slept some, but not as much as I'd have liked for being in bed that long. I'd wake up here and there and be up for about 30 minutes to an hour, then I'll fall back asleep.

I made breakfast this morning. Eggs and bacon. I fixed coffee and poured me a small cup. I couldn't even take two sips of it. I just don't like it, anymore. Which is good, considering caffiene is pretty bad for me in this state anyhow.

I have a cold, I think. It sucks. My head is entirely too congested. I can't stand without feeling dizzy. I cough and blow my nose a million times a day. I'm a little worried that I have fever right now. But I have no idea where to go for this. I suppose if I start to feel worse, I can call my OB/GYN and let them know. They'll tell me what I should do. I'm only hesitant because I haven't been there yet. My first appointment is on July 29th. I also hesistate because sometimes I think I might be a bit of a hypochondriac. On top of the awful congestion, and probably because of, I have a huge headache this morning. And my sides hurt. I just want to get to my first appointment so I can find out that everything is okay. I've never been a patient person.

And my wrists hurt. I think I have carpel tunnel. Really.

And speaking of patience, or lack thereof, my nerves are pretty bad today. I'm not sure that getting off of my medication will turn out to be such a good idea, afterall. But I'm really worried about risks involved with taking the meds. See, if I could just have a damn appointment already, I wouldn't be stressing over this right now. Oh, stress.

This job is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. I'm definitely to the point of dread each morning when I wake up to get ready for work. I have nightmares about being trapped here. I have seriously got to find another job. I can't take this, it affects my mind and physical state way too much in a negative way.

Oh, how I wish I could be a stay at home mom. Pregnancy is a job all in itself! What with all the emotions and stress, it's really wearing. Of course, I already have enough issues that I'm sure it's just that much more intense for me. I guess most normal women can handle it.
I hate not having any money. If I didn't have all these damn bills to pay, I would just stay at home. But, nope, I have way too many bills not to work. Student loans, Credit card (at least that isn't plural), car insurance, car note (I can't wait to be DONE with that in Dec), rent, electricity, cable, bills from ER visit. SIGH. I want to just sit here and cry thinking about it.
I can't keep stressing like this. But I certainly can't seem to calm down this week.

I really do feel very very very irritable right now. I mean, I feel so yucky I could seriously almost tell my boss to take this job and shove it. But I can't. I don't just work for him. Work, work, work.

Two weeks, two days, and I'll be off to Las Vegas. I can handle that, right? I can manage not to go stark raving mad between now and then, right?

I need to get prenatal vitamins and a yoga pregnancy DVD or something. I just need to KNOWWWWWWWW and I'm so mad that I don't know yet. And I don't have money to get those things right now, anyway. I don't have money for one damn thing.

My nerves are escalating downward at an unreal pace. Not even writing is helping right now. I don't think I'll be able to stay off of my medicine.

I need a place to cry.

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